I know we're lost, but soon we'll be found...

i feel like i have a lot to talk about. i do, kind of, but maybe not blog worthy. this has been an eventful week. sad, happy, a little of everything. when it comes down to it, those are the best kinds of weeks. not that the events occurring during that week are necessarily ones that you'd want to experience again, but those days - they do something to you. the good ones make ya feel good. the bad ones make ya feel bad. but you feel something. and that's more than you could say for some people. it reminds you that we are people, for better or worse. it reminds you that things happen. things that may remind you to take a look at your own life. and for some people, myself included, these glimpses are helpful. and very important.

we all got a gut check, this past week, with the passing of heath ledger. i have to say, during the SAG awards, when they do the "in memorium" part - it really is creepy to see him amongst the other great actors, most of which were well into the prime of their life, if not way past. the all lived their lives, shared their time with families, and had successful careers. heath was robbed of that. and yes, i say robbed. i don't mean that in a negative way. when it's your time, it's your time. i'm a believer of that. it may be hard to understand, especially when someone so young passes. trust me, this i know. but you know what? you can't stop it. you can't stop that train. you just need to enjoy the ride. and it sounds cliche, but sit down and think about it. just imagine it all like a train. it isn't about the destination, because you'll get there (whereever it may be) eventually. you're going somewhere, it's inevitable. it's how you get there, and what you do on the way there. that's what is important. with everything that has been said over the last week, both good and the bad, let's just remember that no matter what the circumstances, this guy was someone's son. someone's brother. someone's dad. he was someone to many people. and we all lost a great flame in this fire of life. my thoughts and prayers are with his family, and with that beautiful little girl who will hopefully come to know her father in the most positive light.

there are moments in life where you know your life will never be the same. this can be in a good way or in a bad. it can mean something positive or something not. sometimes when you're in the moment, you don't know it. you don't realize it was life-changing until afterwards. and that's ok. sometimes it takes time for things to simmer. but then there are the moments when you are in them - and you step outside of yourself for a moment, and just know...you just know that you won't be the same.

i'd say the beginning of this moment, which has spanned a couple of weeks for me, began with a phone call. one that wasn't positive in nature really. it brought a new group of people into our lives. people we had never met before, but were considered family of family - and family is family in my eyes. whether or not you've met them. it was a girls night in. aggie and i hosted jenna and her mother, tina for dinner. megan and jo-jo were here too. we had a big dinner, we had big laughs. and i knew. i knew that i wasn't going to the be the same. their reason for coming to new york was for a chance. a chance at life, when it comes down to it. jenna was diagnosed with cancer not too long before then. she had a tumor on the back of her left eye, and she flew in with her mom from colorado, to have surgery. she was at the house a few days before the first surgery. i just kept looking at this girl, who is only 21 years old, a blushing bride to be and full of witty jokes (like me!). you would never be able to tell anything was wrong. when i was 21, i surely wasn't worrying about planning a wedding. and i surely wasn't fighting cancer. but jenna was doing both of these things, and for one night in clifton, new jersey, that didn't matter. what did matter is her love of the fray. and telling me funny stories about her sister. and the incident which left megan hating me for the rest of the night, but which gathered the most laughs all night. and then as soon as she came, they left. i drove them back into the city. along with a celine dion cd, and a bag full of DVDs for her to watch while she was recovering. and that was it. the drive back from nyc to the house was a quiet one. i didn't listen to music. i just thought. i thought about what i would do in that situation - which is stupid, because i couldn't imagine. i couldn't imagine for a second. i thought about how this girl is younger than me, had no symptoms whatosever, and just happened to go get an eye exam before her insurance wrapped up for the end of the year, and she came out with a diagnosis for cancer.

i kept in touch with jenna with texts. sending her all the prayers and well wishes. i told my friends about my weekend. how i couldn't stop thinking about it, about how amazingly strong this girl is. it really affected me, and i couldn't understand why. aggie talked about it. she told her friends. they prayed. they sent their love. i started work on a tremendous mix cd project. i had 10 cds going at one point. then i narrowed down, thinking i didn't want her to think i was crazy. :) she let me know when the surgery was over. that she was sore and tired, but doing well. it was a sense of relief. you never know. any surgery is a scary thing. she will certainly lose vision in her left eye, but she kept it. that was her goal - to keep her eye. can you imagine?! it broke my heart, for good reason and bad, when i heard her say that. i am a very lucky person. we all are.

and then it happened. wednesday night. i get a text from jenna - saying the cancer is gone. i remember exactly where i was standing when i read it. just around the corner from work. and i yelled. i yelled out loud - a relieving YES! it was a moment that i cannot explain. this person, whom i hadn't even known 2 and some odd weeks before, had literally changed my life. she is a miracle, and i was a witness. i was a witness to something i had never had the opportunity to see before, first-hand. i feel so blessed. i'm so incredibly happy for her and her family. we all went out to dinner saturday night, and i couldn't stop smiling. and she couldn't stop smiling. we all had permanent smiles on our faces. she fought cancer and won.

if that isn't motivation for me to get my ass in gear, then i don't know what is.

it's time for me to grow up. it's time for me to not take things for granted. time to let the people who you love know you love them. it doesn't hurt to say it once in a while. cherish every moment. and appreciate the little things in life. appreciate that sunset when you're driving home. or that snowfall.

jenna. whether you know it or not, you are an inspiration and a miracle. i thank you for reminding me what is important and to never take that for granted. thank you for opening my eyes.

much love,
<3>

And I remember your eyes, how they saw right through me...

i would love to live in a tv sitcom. if only for the music that cues up at the inspirational moment in the story. this is evident in almost every single episode of full house. and all these fun random moments that happen in the show - take this moment for example: an episode of the beloved full house, featuring the musical genius of the beach boys. in this episode, the beach boys came to the house (which was full, of course) to award stephanie a prize, which included two tickets to their concert that night in san fransisco. only stephanie had a really touch decision to make - who to bring to the concert? how could she choose such a thing? flash forward to an impromptu chorus of kokomo in the tanner family living room - not once, but TWICE. of course everyone sings along. cut to a football stadium, with the beach boys and the tanner family on stage singing in front of the entire crowd. oh barbara ann.

in fact. just enjoy for yourself:



who knew those boys were so witty? and how about those parachute pants?!

oh, and speaking of uncle jesse's nuts:"how to uncle jesse's nuts taste, honey?" haha

folks. listen to the perishers. on a good day, on a bad day. listen to the perishers. and kate nash. that's all i've got for you. i'm off to watch two episodes of friday night lights. because between the perishers, kate nash, and coach taylor - i'm SET.

and cutie mccuterson doesn't hurt either. ;)

but. i will leave you with this....

When you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful - that's how I feel about you...

inspire.
1 a: to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
b: to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on

what inspires you? what things - be they daily, weekly, or on random occasions - influence who you are as a person? i'm a strong believer that someone can be inspired by anyone. by their actions, by their words, or by their spirits. some inspirations are intentional. some are not. some are positive. some are not. it's not black and white. but is anything, really? i think it's easy to assume so, but when you really think about it, not many things are so cut and dry.

i think of things while i'm walking to work in the morning. or when i'm walking home from the bus stop. or on the train. you know, just like everyone else. but sometimes, depending on what track appears next on my iPod's shuffle, i get waves of nostalgia. waves of inspiration. i started carrying around a notebook to just jot these things down when i think of them. and hence, the blog will be based on some of these things.

do you ever pick up the smell of something (good or bad) and it sends you to a specific moment in your life? something that you may have otherwise forgotten all about. something you haven't thought about in years - and never imagined that you'd be thinking of again. there is construction all over new york city. that's just how it is. it's not uncommon to walk past three or four construction sites on my morning walk. but today, i caught a whiff of sawdust. sure, it sounds pretty simple, right? it's just the by-product of a building material. nothing special. but i have to say, i literally stopped in my tracks. only for a moment, let's not get carried away, but everything in my mind went immediately to my dad. my dad has little workshop in the basement. he is a handyman - a super dad. he can fix anything, and in most cases does. he has always built trinkets and such, you know - things that make the everyday life a little easier. but it always smelled of sawdust. at the time, when i was living at home, it may have been annoying. every time you would do laundry, you'd have the odor of hard work. you know how it is. when you leave home, you miss the littlest of things. and i miss sawdust. i miss my dad's hands, rough and cracked, but full of character. i took woodshop in high school, for the sawdust. not literally, but to experience that. to understand what it feels like to complete a project with your bare hands. to shape something, whether it be a clock shaped like a bowling pin and a bowling ball, or whether it be a plaque with half of a pittsburgh steelers football helmet and a display for a jerome bettis rookie card (both of which i did make, haha). but to see that it's something YOU made. i got a glimpse in my dad's hobby by taking a class. and all of that came from a whiff of sawdust. i am inspired by sawdust.

music. we all know this one. unless you've been living under a rock and have never spoken to me a day in my life, then you should know this one was coming. i'll be the first to admit, i haven't an ounce of musical talent. (unless you include guitar hero, which is a whole different story). i like to say, "i couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle." that's kind of it. i realize this at an early age, and take full advantage of my ability to appreciate others for THEIR musical talents. my earliest memories of music consist of books on tape. and lots of hair bands. and wizard of oz soundtracks. and roadtrips consisting of: chicago, bruce springsteen, whitney houston, and alabama. i think that music is very personal. people relate songs or artists to themselves or to times in their lives. and in that action, the song is theirs. from that point on, when they hear said artist/song, they will forever remember a moment. or a relationship. a person. or an emotion. i'm no stranger to this phenomenon. in fact, i'm very familiar with such. i think it's one of my biggest arguing points for my vast musical tastes. not that i need to defend anything. but when you flip through one of my 6 or 7 cd binders, you may notice that you'll be flipping through a classy selection of celine dion cds and then see a few DMX albums. followed by some fleetwood mac or chris brown. throw in some disturbed and a kermit the frog unplugged cd, and you've got me. it is not applicable in every case, but i feel like you can tell a lot about a person through their musical tastes. not specifically genres, but the way that they embrace whatever their tastes may be. so back to inspiration. and artists that inspire you. or songs that inspire you. songs may be political, and inspire you to learn more about a candidate or issue. songs may be emotional, and inspire you to confess your feelings or to conceal them forever. songs can be down right funky, and inspire you to learn new dance crazes. (insert soulja boy reference) you could be on your darkest of days, down in the dumpiest of dumps, when you hear a song. maybe it's by someone you've never heard of before. and in that span of 3 or 4 minutes, you can feel like music can literally save a life. i believe it. why not? what's the harm in believing? so i say to you, no matter what your tastes, when you find something that inspires you - in your career, in your relationships, or inside your own self - go with it. embrace it. let it fill you with the happiness or joy that you are looking for. and don't stop looking. keep searching, tasting new music. there are so many artists making music that will blow your mind, hiding out in the music blogs in cyberspace. find what inspires you, and don't let go.

and now onto the people. the main reason, what got me thinking about all this inspiration stuff, is the inspiration that you can receive from those around you. family and friends. people who make you aim to be a better person. people who influence your decisions. people who support you and push you to achieve your dreams or goals. why not surround yourself with people who are rooting for you? i mean, you have the choice. you DO have that choice. it's human nature to group together. it's inevitable. why not make the best of it? it is in this department that i am very lucky. my parents, no matter what my crazy ideas were, never discouraged me. when i said i wanted to move to new jersey so that i could do an internship with a morning show on the most popular adult contemporary radio station in new york city, did they talk me out of it? (ok, well my mom tried, but that's because she would miss me. it was temporary, now she enjoys it. just kidding!) when i wanted to play tennis and work 40 hours a week during high school, they didn't stop me. they made sure that i understood my priorities, and that if things were too difficult, i would have to cut back. but it is through this that i have learned to manage different aspects of my life. i often hear of people who, when sharing their dreams, would have them shattered. someone would shoot them down. whether it be verbally or just in their actions. i feel for them. i really do. because if you have supportive people around you, consider yourself lucky. and pay it forward. if you have someone in your life that inspires you, tell them. or make it a point to act in a way that would inspire someone else. sometimes people don't even realize when they impact another person's life. tell them. life is too short. and plus, you never know - sometimes you can make their day by telling them.

granted. if they inspire you to jump out of a window, i might hold that back. ;)

the goal of this blog is to encourage you to take a moment. think about things that are important to you in your life. think of who is important in your life. embrace it. we never know when our time will be up, all we can do is make the best of each day we have. one day at a time. one hour at a time. one minute. live for today, not tomorrow. appreciate the little things in life. like sawdust.

and while you're at it, download and enjoy some kate nash. the most interesting music i've heard as of late. poppy, upbeat, and vulgar. all done with a british accent, so that makes it ok.

kate nash - "birds"
(the sweetest song about two people that i've ever heard.)

<3>

update:

if you want a cd with the "standout tracks" or my "singles/tracks of the year" leave a comment with your address, please. :)

Another year has gone by...

I'd like to think that 2007 was a year of change. Granted, that could be easily said about many years. And it's probably true. In this case, however, I learned from (and still am learning from) said changes. I began the year in bed, sick. Boring, I know, but alas - true. I was jobless. I was down in the whole "not feeling confident about my future" department, and sick. I figured the year could only get better from there, right? Yes. And no. Highs and lows. Career highs, career lows. Family tragedies and family triumphs. Personal accomplishments and the ever popular heartbreak. That is what life is all about though. The ebbs and flows. You can't have the highest of highs without having the lowest of lows to compare them to.

There are two things that get me through the rollercoaster called life. The first is people. Ah, people. Some are great, some are not. But alas, people get me through. My family and friends are the oil to my engine. Yes, I just made a mechanical reference in this here blog. It's true though. You can make it by with no oil, but not for long. Soon your engine will blow up, or something awful like that, and you'll be SOL. So I hear. (Also, I'll take this moment to remind you to get your oil changed every 3 months. Unlike me, who accidentally waited almost 5, but I FIXED IT TODAY, OK?! haha) Anyways. You get my point though, right? I'm very lucky. I have some phenomenal people in my life. I mean that with every ounce of sincerity, too. I have a had a record number of late-night phone conversations this year. I have listened to my friends' high moments and I've shared in my family's tears. People are what get you through this thing called life. It's not money. It's not fame. It's people. You should know who you are, and if you don't, then that's my fault for not telling you so. For all of this, I thank you.

The second thing accompanying me on this rollercoaster ride is, well - you guessed it - music. Did you see that one coming? If you know me AT ALL, the answer is yes. Yes, Carrie. We guessed it. I have gotten to the point where I can't find the words anymore. I hope that my sheer obsession - whether it be concerts or my fantastic devotion to the art of the mix cd - says it all. So it is with this love and care that I present to you - lovely blog readers....

Carrie's "Best Albums of 2007"

Music. What a year for music! The albums/tracks/artists mentioned below do not in any way reflect popular choice, but instead, my own. If you see something new, by all means, take a listen. Let me know what you think. And if you see something familiar, then - well - I knew we were friends for a reason. :)

Honorable Mentions: Joe Purdy - Canyon Joe; Sara Barielles - Little Voice; Colbie Caillat - Coco; Architecture in Helsinki - Places Like This; Kittie - Funeral for Yesterday (I only say them, b/c I was accredited in the DVD that came along with the CD, haha)


20. Jon McLaughlin - Indiana

YES, he opened for Kelly Clarkson. YES, he's a piano rocker. And YES this album is a good one. I actually didn't know anything except one song when I saw him open for Kelly. He has a great sound to his voice - and hot damn, the boy can tickle the ivories. A great pop record release this year.

Standout track: "Human"

19. Feist - The Reminder

I know, I know. The whole world agrees with me on this one. And you have to ask yourself, if ALL OF THESE PEOPLE talk about this lady, something has to be right. And it is. She's responsible for one of the catchiest tracks this year. The album is great to throw right smack in the middle of a long car ride.

Standout track: "The Park"

18. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

I think BOH is one of the most underrated bands out there. I felt like last year's release of Everything All the Time was a blessing for my ears, and the fellas did not disappoint me with this sophomore attempt. They have a sound that is all their own, and the vocals are unique and very polished.

Standout track: "Is There a Ghost?"


17. Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

It is a shame that with all of her personal situations going on this year, the things people may remember Ms. Winehouse in 2007 may not be related to her music at all. It's sad because this record has brought some soul back to the airwaves. Anyone who says they don't singalong to "Rehab" is a dirty liar.

Standout track: "You Know I'm No Good"


16. Paramore - Riot!

How funny is it sometimes that certain bands just blow up? It seems like just yesterday I was at the little Agora Ballroom, screaming at the top of my lungs to "My Heart" with 100 or so kids. Haley has an amazing voice, and this record deserves to be on this list if not for that sole reason.

Standout track: "When It Rains"


15. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky

I just recently, within the last year or so, got into Wilco. I was excite for this new release, b/c I wanted to see what they would do next. I know critics weren't too fond of Jeff Tweedy's newest work, but I don't care - I was. Definitely good chill music, with lyrics that mean something.

Standout track: "Impossible Germany"


14. Kanye West - Graduation

What more can you say? The man is a true talent. If he continues this streak, he'll have an album in every year's top lists. Well done Kanye - keep making those phat beatz. (Oh I did say it...)

Standout track: "The Good Life"




13. Dustin Kensrue - Please Come Home

Raspy like Cash. Folky like Dylan. Dustin is the man, and that's all I have to say. It's lower on the list because of other great albums, but this is definitely a favorite of mine for sure.

Standout track: "Blanket of Ghosts"


12. The White Stripes - Icky Thump

I was never a White Stripes fan. Not until the Raconteurs came along, that is. And what a better way to slide me into their funky ways. Probably one of my favorite "driving" records this year. Jack and Meg - well done.

Standout track: "Effect & Cause"



11. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

Thank you eMusic. I didn't even know Spoon had a new album coming out, until I decided to go with the "recommendations" on your website. Well deserving of all the critical acclaim.

Standout track: "Don't Make Me a Target"




10. Radiohead - In Rainbows

One of the most talked about albums - musically and promotionally - of 2007, that's for sure. I happen to be a fan of the whole "pay what you want" thing. If this is what record is a result of this idea, then BRING IT ON. A plus.

Standout track: "15 Step"


9. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank

I have been hit or miss with the Mouse. Some songs clicked, some didn't. But for the sheer fact that Isaac Brock sounds like the chef from the Little Mermaid on the opening track - BRILLIANT. This is a great record for the walk to work in the morning.

Standout track: "March to the Sea"



8. The Perishers - Victorious

I discovered these Swedish fellas in the later part of 2007, but they are probably my favorite "oh my gosh I can't believe I didn't know of them sooner" bands. I really cannot say enough about this release. The closing track takes my breath away.

Standout track: "Get Well Soon"




7. Okkervil River - The Stage Names

One of those cases where you see the band's name EVERYWHERE, but don't listen to them until one boring night where you want a taste of something new. This is where you kick yourself. Reminds me of a more folky, more country Arcade Fire. And you can't go wrong with that! Bands like this make me love music more and more.

Standout track: "A Girl in Port"


6. Celine Dion - Taking Chances

Celine could sing the phone book, and it would make my top album list. Every person has the one artist that they latch onto at a young age, and follow them as they grow - Celine is that for me. I could do a whole blog (and plan on doing so) about her. In her defense, (and to counter my biased opinion) this album is fresh. It's her ballad voice with some up-to-date pop tracks. She has got some pipes, people.

Standout track: "Surprise, Surprise"


5. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - The Swell Season

Thank you Tribeca Film Festival. I saw these two perform at the ASCAP Music Lounge this past April, and I was introduced to one of the best harmonizing duos I've ever heard. If you've seen the movie 'Once' - you will understand. Glen took a step away from his post as lead for his band the Frames and teamed up with the sweet, innocent voice in Marketa, and the result is this haunting, beautiful album. If you can't relate to at least one of the songs on this album, I will give you a dollar.

Standout track: "Falling Slowly"


4. Brandi Carlile - The Story

If you are smart, you would have ran to your iTunes and downloaded "The Story" after the video premiered after Grey's Anatomy this past season. If you were smarter, you would have discovered the rest of this album. Brandi has raw emotion when she sings. I know, that's cliche sounding, but she makes you feel EVERY single note. My favorite female release of the year.

Standout track: "Josephine"


3. Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger

With someone who puts out as many albums as Ryan Adams does, you would expect them to be average, if not less than. I mean, it's only right to assume that someone putting out all this material will at least miss on some of the attempts. Here stands the exception to this rule. Although it's not my favorite of Ryan's albums, this one is consistent to his quality work. Genius at work, and he's not stopping anytime soon, folks.

Standout track: "I Taught Myself to Grow Old"


2. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver

I am not a dance fan. Head Automatica is about as "dance rock" as I would go. This is why I was shocked when I found myself actually LIKING this album. I had heard a song here and there, mostly interested by one of the best tracks of the year, "All of My Friends." But the straw that broke the camel's back - well that took place on October 6th, at Randall's Island, when I saw these fellas perform (sharing the stage with the band filling the number one spot). I now reconsider my stance on dance-rock.

Standout track: "North American Scum"


1. The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible

The Arcade Fire are in a whole different league. I say that with all due respect to other bands on this list. I just can't describe it. The music is something that is, attempted to, but not replicated anywhere else in popular music now. The album itself is phenomenal. However, the live performance of the songs on this record is absolutely mesmerizing. This band is one that you just must see for yourself to truly understand the talent that stands before you on the stage. A tremendous follow-up after the indie hit "Funeral." There were many great albums put out this year, but this one is a landslide win, if you ask me.

Standout track: "The Well and the Lighthouse"

Carrie's favorite Singles/Tracks of 2007
(in no particular order)

Mark Ronson ft. Rivers Cuomo - "I Suck"
Lil Mama - "Lipgloss"
Daughtry - "Home"
Kate Nash - "Nicest Thing"
The Broken West - "Down in the Valley"
Missy Higgins - "Where I Stood"
Kelly Clarkson - "Chivas"
He Say She Say - "Modesty is Key"
Flo Rida - "Get Low"
Jimmy Eat World - "Big Casino"
Cloud Cult - "Chain Reaction"
Timbaland - "Give It to Me"
Against Me - "Thrash Unreal"
John Mayer - "Say"
Mika - "Lollipop"
Patty Griffin - "Trapeze"
Will Hoge - "When I Can Afford to Lose"

Carrie's favorite Cover Songs of 2007
(in no particular order)

Franz Ferdinand - "All of My Friends" (LCD Soundsystem cover)
KT Tunstall - "I Want You Back" (Jackson 5 cover)
Brandi Carlile - "Raining in Baltimore" (Counting Crows cover)
the Guillemots - "Take Me Out" (Modest Mouse cover)
Kelly Clarkson - "Up to the Mountain" (Patty Griffin cover)
Wakey!Wakey! - "Say It Ain't So" (Weezer cover)
the Arctic Monkeys - "You Know I'm No Good" (Amy Winehouse cover)
Glen Hansard - "Hungry For Your Love" (Van Morrison cover)

Carrie's Favorite Concerts of 2007

Damien Rice at Radio City Music Hall
Arcade Fire/LCD Soundsystem/Blonde Redhead at Randall's Island
Jesse Lacey/Kevin Devine acoustic show at Maxwell's


Carrie's Favorite "Discoveries" of 2007
(in no particular order)

Burgermeister
The Kooks
Stabilo
Wakey!Wakey!
Cloud Cult
Kate Nash
The Perishers


Carrie's favorite Movies of 2007
(in no particular order)

Sweeney Todd
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
In the Land of Women
I'm Not There
Once (my favorite of the year)

Carrie's Television picks of 2007

Best new show: Chuck
Excited for in '08: Lost, The Terminator Chronicles
Embarrassed to admit my love for: The Hills, Tila Tequila
Sad to see you go: Gilmore Girls
You make me yell at the TV!: The Amazing Race, Wheel of Fortune

If you made it through this whole blog, then applause for you. Please throw in your comments and tell me about something that I missed in 2007.

To everyone - have a safe and Happy New Year!

sharing is caring.

i'm currently working on a "best of 2007" list/blog for you fine people. that's the thing to do when it hits december, am i right? i appreciate if you worked on a little list of your own, and when i post mine, share yours. this is a give and take relationship, you know what i mean? :)

but.

before i get to that point, i just can't stand it anymore. i have to share these bands with you before i burst with excitement.

cloud cult.

i'll have to tell you. if you read up on the history of the band, and the times of their releases (timing as far as personal tragedies), you may be depressed. you may get the set of chills that start in your fingers and end up in your toes. you may shed a tear. and yes, while certain songs, reflective and sad, are beautiful - this is just the tip of the iceberg. cloud cult are funky beats. i'm not usually one for experimental rock. i'd like to think that late night chats with danielle have changed this in some ways. and i find myself addicted to the freshness of this band. they've been around since the mid 90's. they're not the new kid on the block, but they're the ones that i want on my team for kickball. i have read up on these folks, and they are drawing comparisons on their latest work to be "the American Arcade Fire" - if that doesn't peak your interest a bit, well i have wasted precious blog space. try it. and you can shun me or thank me. but my money is on the gratitude. :)

track to taste: "chain reaction"


okkervil river.

there is always a handful of band names that i will see ALL over the blogosphere. some names i'll see, and pass by. not really for any particular reason. certain times i'm in certain moods. well, at this point, i wish i could physically kick myself in the back of the head. why oh why! how could i pass up such a band. it's ok though, i've used the rest of my monthly emusic credits on making up for this mistake. i don't really have a good description about the band. at times i think bruce springsteen. at times i think arcade fire. at times i think the sound is a mesh of americana rock. the arcade fire comparision, which i know is really easy to do, is because of the sound. there is something about the sound of the arcade fire. there is a wholeness to it. i hear that in okkervil river. it represents hopeful music to me. if you need more convincing, download their free holiday EP available on their website - http://www.okkervilriver.com/index.php. what do you have to lose? except time, b/c you'll keep these guys on repeat.

track to taste: "listening to otis redding at home during christmas"


bürgermeister.

first of all. i give props to myself for successfully finding the U with the dots over it. that counts for a lot in my book. secondly, i'm totally pimping out a friend here. but for good reason. if she sucked, i wouldn't put that shit on here! i gotta rep to keep! hehe danielle. oh danielle. she has churned out like 24 songs in the last couple days. and she shares them with me, and i think HOT DAMN do have some talented friends. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating a little bit. maybe only 17 songs in the last few days. in either case, i think that i'm happy happy happy (did i say happy?) that she is letting me hear these phat beatz when she churns 'em out, b/c i'm becoming a bigger and bigger fan as she goes on. let's give her some love, shall we?


ok. back to the mound of christmas cards awaiting me. i may actually send them before christmas, which is a goal i've had for a few years, and have yet to accomplish it. here's to apple cider and electric blankets.

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in memory...

always the first ones to arrive to the family reunions, and the last ones to leave. complete with dunkin donuts, coffee, and a jug of the peach tea that my dad so loves. aunt catherine and uncle artie. the names go together. like water and wine. it's going to be hard to not say them together. uncle artie will hold down the fort from now on. and we all have some big shoes to fill.

my grandparents on my mom's side both passed before i was born. and my grandmother on my dad's side too. i knew my grandfather, but not really that well. my dad's side of the family - we aren't close with them at all really. but my mom's side, that's a different story. my mom's mom was one of 9 children - aunt catherine being one of those siblings. i was blessed with many "great aunts and uncles" who, although i didn't see them all the time, were just like grandparents to me anyways. stretching all over the country, from texas to new york. i remember the summer in texas, when we went to see aunt sally and uncle rosie. i was a huge nolan ryan fan at the time, and they took us to a texas rangers game. (of course nolan was on the disabled list, go figure) but i bought this oversized nolan ryan tshirt (which i still own) and i wore that thing out. we went on a safari and rode an elephant. and we swam in the kidney shaped pool in their backyard. uncle rosie passed a little while ago. i remember him in pieces. he was ornery as ever, and he was a big kid, that's for sure. and his cheeks were rosie. :) and aunt sally passed 2 years ago. we flew to texas for that, and a lot of the family was there. it was hard, saying goodbye. and that brings us to aggie. most of you know her, as she's the coolest thing in my life (and maybe even in yours too, she's THAT cool). her husband was donald - one of the siblings, and in fact, i think he was the youngest. he passed away about 6 years ago. i remember, because it was shortly after rhiannon passed. that was a rough few months for me. i really remember uncle donald, b/c he too was ornery. my favorite memory would be when we would walk behind him as he was sitting down and he'd pinch the back of our legs somehow, without ever moving. it was always one of those cases where you turn around and you're like "where did that come from?" he was a big man, standing close to (if not taller than) 6 foot. and he could be stern. but he was a big teddy bear. and aggie loved him so much.

because of the 9 siblings, there are tons of cousins/aunts/uncles/etc. and most of them are in the new york area, so that's wonderful. but no matter what we did - family reunions, weddings, etc. - aunt catherine was the matriarch. she was the oldest of the 9 flood siblings, and she became the head of the family when her parents passed. i have seen so many pictures of her with her younger siblings, raising them as if they were her own. she was never married or had her own children, but she had plenty of "children." growing up, i wouldn't get to see aunt catherine too too much, unless we came to new york for something, but everytime i saw her, she made sure to sit down with me and see how things were. i often wondered how she kept all the info for all of these people - she knew everything. she was very on top of things.

she lived in flushing queens. it was the house that they all grew up in. she raised her siblings and sent them off into the world. i remember the drives there when we were young - getting stuck on the cross bronx in traffic. the drives across the george washington bridge. and of course, the steep stairs. and the kitchen. and the garden, and the front stoop. there were so many memories in that house. the attic was so hot all the time, and you literally had to scale the steps like a mountain. my sister and i would climb up and down them so much.

over the last year and a half or so, maybe two years, her health had gotten worse. it wasn't horrible at first, but you could see that her mind was starting to go a little. within this last year, it got bad, physically and mentally. aggie and i went to see her a few times while she was in the rehabilitation center. it seems like things would get really bad, and then she'd make a turn and recover, get out of the hospital and back to rehab. this happened a few times. we were commenting on her 9+ lives. visiting her was hard in a way, b/c she wasn't the normal aunt catherine, but in ways, she was. and it would tug at your heartstrings, as she talked to you as if you were one of her siblings, all of which had passed by this time. she would call me my grandmother sometimes, and ask me to give her the change from the store. it's bittersweet to hear that kind of stuff, because you truly wonder if they can see them. if they, at that stage in their mental capacity, can have some sort of spiritual contact with the ones who have passed. i have hope for it, i absolutely do. i have faith that in those moments, people aren't necessarily crazy, but maybe a little enlightened. and who are we to tell them otherwise?

one visit to the rehab - it was probably my favorite memory of aunt catherine to date. there is a little "tv communal" area where the patients will hang out and watch tv. most of the time they sleep or just kind of sit there. so aggie and i went to visit her, and she was already in this area, so we pulled up chairs and would chat with her. meanwhile, there is a woman in a little bed type piece of furniture next to her, who - every few minutes or so - would wake up, open her eyes and make this AWFUL noise. her mouth would flap open and shut, and she sounded like a goblin. it was the creepiest thing ever (i tell this story best in person), but i felt really bad for her. and then she would shut her eyes and drift away for a few until the next spooking. so aunt catherine as telling us something, and this lady did her thing, and aunt catherine just looked over at her, and looked back at us. she looked back a the woman and she was like "hey, cut that out!" the lady just went on, not knowing what she was doing. so we giggled. moving on, the same thing happens. catty peeks over at this woman and looks back at us. then she leans into us and she goes "can't they shove her in a closet somewhere?!" aggie and i lost it. we laughed for like 10 minutes straight. and so did aunt catherine. she giggled. but it was so funny. i can't even tell you via this here blog. it was moments like that, where the old catty poked through. one of the many reasons to love a phenomenal woman.

aunt catherine passed away on wednesday, november 28th. i was in the city that night. my mom called me at work to see if everything was ok, because she had a voicemail on her phone, but couldn't check it. so i called aggie. and she told me. in some ways it was expected, but in some ways not. she had turned for the better recently. after teetering on the edge in the hospital, with congestive heart failure and things like that. she had gotten better. i wanted to run home, but i couldn't. then i had to call my mom to tell her. can i just tell you that it was the hardest thing i've ever done. i think she knew, or had it in the back of her mind when she initially called me. but it was hard.

the funeral and the services were great. for as much as i thought i knew about aunt catherine and how wonderful of a person she was, i learned so much more. i learned about her faith, her dedication to the church. i learned about how much she meant to each one of us, so much more than i could have imagined. and i learned that she tied this family together, and how it's our job to keep that tie, if for no other reason than to do it for her. but she is with her family. her parents, her siblings, her friends. and we couldn't be happier for her. she lived 90+ years on this earth. she saw so many things, experienced the joys and sorrows of life. and in the end, she went home. we couldn't ask for more.

we miss you, and we love you aunt catherine.
you will forever be in our hearts.

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