I know we're lost, but soon we'll be found...

i feel like i have a lot to talk about. i do, kind of, but maybe not blog worthy. this has been an eventful week. sad, happy, a little of everything. when it comes down to it, those are the best kinds of weeks. not that the events occurring during that week are necessarily ones that you'd want to experience again, but those days - they do something to you. the good ones make ya feel good. the bad ones make ya feel bad. but you feel something. and that's more than you could say for some people. it reminds you that we are people, for better or worse. it reminds you that things happen. things that may remind you to take a look at your own life. and for some people, myself included, these glimpses are helpful. and very important.

we all got a gut check, this past week, with the passing of heath ledger. i have to say, during the SAG awards, when they do the "in memorium" part - it really is creepy to see him amongst the other great actors, most of which were well into the prime of their life, if not way past. the all lived their lives, shared their time with families, and had successful careers. heath was robbed of that. and yes, i say robbed. i don't mean that in a negative way. when it's your time, it's your time. i'm a believer of that. it may be hard to understand, especially when someone so young passes. trust me, this i know. but you know what? you can't stop it. you can't stop that train. you just need to enjoy the ride. and it sounds cliche, but sit down and think about it. just imagine it all like a train. it isn't about the destination, because you'll get there (whereever it may be) eventually. you're going somewhere, it's inevitable. it's how you get there, and what you do on the way there. that's what is important. with everything that has been said over the last week, both good and the bad, let's just remember that no matter what the circumstances, this guy was someone's son. someone's brother. someone's dad. he was someone to many people. and we all lost a great flame in this fire of life. my thoughts and prayers are with his family, and with that beautiful little girl who will hopefully come to know her father in the most positive light.

there are moments in life where you know your life will never be the same. this can be in a good way or in a bad. it can mean something positive or something not. sometimes when you're in the moment, you don't know it. you don't realize it was life-changing until afterwards. and that's ok. sometimes it takes time for things to simmer. but then there are the moments when you are in them - and you step outside of yourself for a moment, and just know...you just know that you won't be the same.

i'd say the beginning of this moment, which has spanned a couple of weeks for me, began with a phone call. one that wasn't positive in nature really. it brought a new group of people into our lives. people we had never met before, but were considered family of family - and family is family in my eyes. whether or not you've met them. it was a girls night in. aggie and i hosted jenna and her mother, tina for dinner. megan and jo-jo were here too. we had a big dinner, we had big laughs. and i knew. i knew that i wasn't going to the be the same. their reason for coming to new york was for a chance. a chance at life, when it comes down to it. jenna was diagnosed with cancer not too long before then. she had a tumor on the back of her left eye, and she flew in with her mom from colorado, to have surgery. she was at the house a few days before the first surgery. i just kept looking at this girl, who is only 21 years old, a blushing bride to be and full of witty jokes (like me!). you would never be able to tell anything was wrong. when i was 21, i surely wasn't worrying about planning a wedding. and i surely wasn't fighting cancer. but jenna was doing both of these things, and for one night in clifton, new jersey, that didn't matter. what did matter is her love of the fray. and telling me funny stories about her sister. and the incident which left megan hating me for the rest of the night, but which gathered the most laughs all night. and then as soon as she came, they left. i drove them back into the city. along with a celine dion cd, and a bag full of DVDs for her to watch while she was recovering. and that was it. the drive back from nyc to the house was a quiet one. i didn't listen to music. i just thought. i thought about what i would do in that situation - which is stupid, because i couldn't imagine. i couldn't imagine for a second. i thought about how this girl is younger than me, had no symptoms whatosever, and just happened to go get an eye exam before her insurance wrapped up for the end of the year, and she came out with a diagnosis for cancer.

i kept in touch with jenna with texts. sending her all the prayers and well wishes. i told my friends about my weekend. how i couldn't stop thinking about it, about how amazingly strong this girl is. it really affected me, and i couldn't understand why. aggie talked about it. she told her friends. they prayed. they sent their love. i started work on a tremendous mix cd project. i had 10 cds going at one point. then i narrowed down, thinking i didn't want her to think i was crazy. :) she let me know when the surgery was over. that she was sore and tired, but doing well. it was a sense of relief. you never know. any surgery is a scary thing. she will certainly lose vision in her left eye, but she kept it. that was her goal - to keep her eye. can you imagine?! it broke my heart, for good reason and bad, when i heard her say that. i am a very lucky person. we all are.

and then it happened. wednesday night. i get a text from jenna - saying the cancer is gone. i remember exactly where i was standing when i read it. just around the corner from work. and i yelled. i yelled out loud - a relieving YES! it was a moment that i cannot explain. this person, whom i hadn't even known 2 and some odd weeks before, had literally changed my life. she is a miracle, and i was a witness. i was a witness to something i had never had the opportunity to see before, first-hand. i feel so blessed. i'm so incredibly happy for her and her family. we all went out to dinner saturday night, and i couldn't stop smiling. and she couldn't stop smiling. we all had permanent smiles on our faces. she fought cancer and won.

if that isn't motivation for me to get my ass in gear, then i don't know what is.

it's time for me to grow up. it's time for me to not take things for granted. time to let the people who you love know you love them. it doesn't hurt to say it once in a while. cherish every moment. and appreciate the little things in life. appreciate that sunset when you're driving home. or that snowfall.

jenna. whether you know it or not, you are an inspiration and a miracle. i thank you for reminding me what is important and to never take that for granted. thank you for opening my eyes.

much love,
<3>

And I remember your eyes, how they saw right through me...

i would love to live in a tv sitcom. if only for the music that cues up at the inspirational moment in the story. this is evident in almost every single episode of full house. and all these fun random moments that happen in the show - take this moment for example: an episode of the beloved full house, featuring the musical genius of the beach boys. in this episode, the beach boys came to the house (which was full, of course) to award stephanie a prize, which included two tickets to their concert that night in san fransisco. only stephanie had a really touch decision to make - who to bring to the concert? how could she choose such a thing? flash forward to an impromptu chorus of kokomo in the tanner family living room - not once, but TWICE. of course everyone sings along. cut to a football stadium, with the beach boys and the tanner family on stage singing in front of the entire crowd. oh barbara ann.

in fact. just enjoy for yourself:



who knew those boys were so witty? and how about those parachute pants?!

oh, and speaking of uncle jesse's nuts:"how to uncle jesse's nuts taste, honey?" haha

folks. listen to the perishers. on a good day, on a bad day. listen to the perishers. and kate nash. that's all i've got for you. i'm off to watch two episodes of friday night lights. because between the perishers, kate nash, and coach taylor - i'm SET.

and cutie mccuterson doesn't hurt either. ;)

but. i will leave you with this....

When you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful - that's how I feel about you...

inspire.
1 a: to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
b: to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on

what inspires you? what things - be they daily, weekly, or on random occasions - influence who you are as a person? i'm a strong believer that someone can be inspired by anyone. by their actions, by their words, or by their spirits. some inspirations are intentional. some are not. some are positive. some are not. it's not black and white. but is anything, really? i think it's easy to assume so, but when you really think about it, not many things are so cut and dry.

i think of things while i'm walking to work in the morning. or when i'm walking home from the bus stop. or on the train. you know, just like everyone else. but sometimes, depending on what track appears next on my iPod's shuffle, i get waves of nostalgia. waves of inspiration. i started carrying around a notebook to just jot these things down when i think of them. and hence, the blog will be based on some of these things.

do you ever pick up the smell of something (good or bad) and it sends you to a specific moment in your life? something that you may have otherwise forgotten all about. something you haven't thought about in years - and never imagined that you'd be thinking of again. there is construction all over new york city. that's just how it is. it's not uncommon to walk past three or four construction sites on my morning walk. but today, i caught a whiff of sawdust. sure, it sounds pretty simple, right? it's just the by-product of a building material. nothing special. but i have to say, i literally stopped in my tracks. only for a moment, let's not get carried away, but everything in my mind went immediately to my dad. my dad has little workshop in the basement. he is a handyman - a super dad. he can fix anything, and in most cases does. he has always built trinkets and such, you know - things that make the everyday life a little easier. but it always smelled of sawdust. at the time, when i was living at home, it may have been annoying. every time you would do laundry, you'd have the odor of hard work. you know how it is. when you leave home, you miss the littlest of things. and i miss sawdust. i miss my dad's hands, rough and cracked, but full of character. i took woodshop in high school, for the sawdust. not literally, but to experience that. to understand what it feels like to complete a project with your bare hands. to shape something, whether it be a clock shaped like a bowling pin and a bowling ball, or whether it be a plaque with half of a pittsburgh steelers football helmet and a display for a jerome bettis rookie card (both of which i did make, haha). but to see that it's something YOU made. i got a glimpse in my dad's hobby by taking a class. and all of that came from a whiff of sawdust. i am inspired by sawdust.

music. we all know this one. unless you've been living under a rock and have never spoken to me a day in my life, then you should know this one was coming. i'll be the first to admit, i haven't an ounce of musical talent. (unless you include guitar hero, which is a whole different story). i like to say, "i couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle." that's kind of it. i realize this at an early age, and take full advantage of my ability to appreciate others for THEIR musical talents. my earliest memories of music consist of books on tape. and lots of hair bands. and wizard of oz soundtracks. and roadtrips consisting of: chicago, bruce springsteen, whitney houston, and alabama. i think that music is very personal. people relate songs or artists to themselves or to times in their lives. and in that action, the song is theirs. from that point on, when they hear said artist/song, they will forever remember a moment. or a relationship. a person. or an emotion. i'm no stranger to this phenomenon. in fact, i'm very familiar with such. i think it's one of my biggest arguing points for my vast musical tastes. not that i need to defend anything. but when you flip through one of my 6 or 7 cd binders, you may notice that you'll be flipping through a classy selection of celine dion cds and then see a few DMX albums. followed by some fleetwood mac or chris brown. throw in some disturbed and a kermit the frog unplugged cd, and you've got me. it is not applicable in every case, but i feel like you can tell a lot about a person through their musical tastes. not specifically genres, but the way that they embrace whatever their tastes may be. so back to inspiration. and artists that inspire you. or songs that inspire you. songs may be political, and inspire you to learn more about a candidate or issue. songs may be emotional, and inspire you to confess your feelings or to conceal them forever. songs can be down right funky, and inspire you to learn new dance crazes. (insert soulja boy reference) you could be on your darkest of days, down in the dumpiest of dumps, when you hear a song. maybe it's by someone you've never heard of before. and in that span of 3 or 4 minutes, you can feel like music can literally save a life. i believe it. why not? what's the harm in believing? so i say to you, no matter what your tastes, when you find something that inspires you - in your career, in your relationships, or inside your own self - go with it. embrace it. let it fill you with the happiness or joy that you are looking for. and don't stop looking. keep searching, tasting new music. there are so many artists making music that will blow your mind, hiding out in the music blogs in cyberspace. find what inspires you, and don't let go.

and now onto the people. the main reason, what got me thinking about all this inspiration stuff, is the inspiration that you can receive from those around you. family and friends. people who make you aim to be a better person. people who influence your decisions. people who support you and push you to achieve your dreams or goals. why not surround yourself with people who are rooting for you? i mean, you have the choice. you DO have that choice. it's human nature to group together. it's inevitable. why not make the best of it? it is in this department that i am very lucky. my parents, no matter what my crazy ideas were, never discouraged me. when i said i wanted to move to new jersey so that i could do an internship with a morning show on the most popular adult contemporary radio station in new york city, did they talk me out of it? (ok, well my mom tried, but that's because she would miss me. it was temporary, now she enjoys it. just kidding!) when i wanted to play tennis and work 40 hours a week during high school, they didn't stop me. they made sure that i understood my priorities, and that if things were too difficult, i would have to cut back. but it is through this that i have learned to manage different aspects of my life. i often hear of people who, when sharing their dreams, would have them shattered. someone would shoot them down. whether it be verbally or just in their actions. i feel for them. i really do. because if you have supportive people around you, consider yourself lucky. and pay it forward. if you have someone in your life that inspires you, tell them. or make it a point to act in a way that would inspire someone else. sometimes people don't even realize when they impact another person's life. tell them. life is too short. and plus, you never know - sometimes you can make their day by telling them.

granted. if they inspire you to jump out of a window, i might hold that back. ;)

the goal of this blog is to encourage you to take a moment. think about things that are important to you in your life. think of who is important in your life. embrace it. we never know when our time will be up, all we can do is make the best of each day we have. one day at a time. one hour at a time. one minute. live for today, not tomorrow. appreciate the little things in life. like sawdust.

and while you're at it, download and enjoy some kate nash. the most interesting music i've heard as of late. poppy, upbeat, and vulgar. all done with a british accent, so that makes it ok.

kate nash - "birds"
(the sweetest song about two people that i've ever heard.)

<3>

update:

if you want a cd with the "standout tracks" or my "singles/tracks of the year" leave a comment with your address, please. :)